Sunday, April 7, 2013

Should I?


Yesterday I was undecided.
I have been going to Connecticut every morning to practice with my Guru Sharath. That pretty much makes my mornings packed with goodness. However I have noticed that once I get home, around 5 pm I would all the sudden feel real lazy. 

Does that sound familiar? If it does please read on.

Last night I found myself struggling between "what I should do" and "what I want to do".  I had the choice to go to pole dancing, and then meet my husband for dinner, which would have meant getting home later then planned, or staying home, dance with my music, watch a movie and go to bed early. My body was not feeling like going out or being on the subway, I was craving staying in and being quite. My mind however was racing all over telling me I should go out and meet my commitments.

After about an hour of this back and forth between "I should" but "I want" I decided to stay home, take a sauna, watch a movie, and then go and meet my hubby for dinner. That seemed reasonable, yet not fully what I really wanted to do..aka..stay home. 
You can probably imagine how I felt after a sauna…there was no way I was going to go out…so i called my husband but his phone was off. My favorite song came on an I just really wanted to dance alone in my house, but instead I took a shower. Still no answer from my husband, so I decided to take a walk and get a juice and if he'd call I'd hop on the train and go. The feeling behind all these actions was of course one of "I should" rather then "I want". Finally as I'm walking back home my husband calls and asks for me to join him. So I do. I hop on the train, and after two stops I realize it was the wrong train. Already impatient and upset about having chose to take the subway, I jump off and catch the one I thought would take me to where I had to go; but no. I didn't realize I was on wrong side of the platform!

By this time 20 min had passed and I was really irritated 
1) that i had left my house 
2) that i did not listen to my intuition aka "I want"
3) that the subway was all wrong. 

I decide to step out and get a cab. Of course no cab was available, so I start walking and finally a cab arrives. After half hour of wrong choices and clear signs that I should have stayed home I walk into the restaurant to meet my husband….and there he was with all his guy friends…not what my mind had imagined!

The moral:
1) when you ask for guidance, you can't just tune out and decide to not listen
2) look out for clear signs that speak to you, and choose to follow them, as if they were teachers
3) take care of you, and you will make the other person happy. 

As you can imagine I was so frustrated by the time I got there, the only thing I had left was to be upset and not even enjoy seeing my husband. Rather blame him for all the wrong turns that lead me there.

But I took a deep breath. I saw my choices: I could explode or I could explain my frustration and ask for an opinion on what to do next. 

This story is an invitation from me to you:
Take a moment to see where you have your "Should" and "wants" and explore how you deal with them.
What happens when you are brave enough to rest and trust in what you really really want for yourself?

Be brave, feel supported, and create the life you want!

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