Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Just doing our best

We all get caught up in our judgmental voice at times. this past week i was listening to a lot of great speakers, Genneen Roth amongst them, discussing the subject of self worth and the inner judgmental voice.
My journey these past five years has been learning to love myself and appreciate who i am and what i look like. Its been a wonderful journey!
What i found is that often our inner judgmental voice gets so loud its really hard to hush it and not pay attention to it. I realized that when that voice kicked in i would loose sight of the world around me, of life around me, and of time. It would feel like if i messed up that was it, my judgmental voice would lead me to think i had lost all my chances to be the 'perfect' being it expected me to be. Through meditation, a lot of devoted yoga practice. and time it started to be clear to me that there was so much more in me and around me. I started to see that i had the space to choose to be pulled into that voice and spiral down with it or i could choose to acknowledge it and then shift my attention to what was outside of me: cars, people walking, the birds, the sun, my agenda that proofed today was not the last day to try... So i started expanding and focusing on feeling that space where i could choose. I asked for support in my practice to be strong and gentle at the same time.

Today as i was practicing, my teacher came over and said "you know Bibi you got so much stronger. When you first came here two years ago you were gumpy:) (she laughed) you were so flexible there was no strength. You can really tell the practice balanced out your flexibility with some strength." You see for the past five years of my life i was scared to be strong and healthy but one day i decided i would do my best to pretend i didn't hear that voice and attempt making the best possible steps to become strong and healthy. The change has been constant and saddle but its now starting to show up. And guess what? I am ready to take it and owe it!

Like my teacher pointed out, ashtanga yoga relies on the idea of sukha dukha. Flexibility or softness, the good (sukha) and Strength, the harshness of life (Dukha).. The practice aims to strengthen the body while keeping it flexible and open. The strength is both outer-found in the physical challenge of the practice, and inner- the commitment and the will to show up every day. The flexibility and softness is cultivated in your approach or your attitude to the practice. The practice is a perfect balance of it, and it aims to over time create equanimity out anything that is out of balance.
There is great quote from Sylvia Boornstein that clearly outlines the moral of  my story:
"if wisdom were always installed then even in moments when we are doing something we aren't proud of we would realize we are doing the best we can, and everyone else is too.
forgiveness is piece of wisdom."

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